Handling Friction as a Christian: Truth, Repentance, and Our Life Together

In previous posts, I have written about formation, discipline, and the virtues we desire to cultivate at Faith Lutheran School. We want our students to have a deep and enduring faith in Jesus Christ, to love learning and delight in God’s creation, and to pursue virtue and cultivate character for a lifetime. These commitments shape our curriculum and our expectations. They must also shape how we respond when life together becomes difficult. It is one thing to speak about patience, humility, and love when everyone agrees. It is another to practice them when a teacher has not communicated, a student has not completed his work, or a conversation between home and school has become strained. These moments of friction reveal where our own formation is still needed.

By friction, I mean those difficulties that arise as sinful people work, learn, and live alongside one another. Some disagreements begin with an honest misunderstanding or a difference in judgment. Disagreement itself is not necessarily sin. Yet pride, impatience, carelessness, and the desire to defend ourselves can quickly turn a manageable concern into something destructive. We assume motives we cannot know. We repeat a complaint before asking whether we have understood it correctly. We become more concerned with proving our position than serving the person God has placed before us. This is true of students, parents, teachers, and headmasters alike. When I first shared my leadership philosophy with our families, I acknowledged that I would make mistakes and would need to own them. That remains true. My responsibility to receive correction does not disappear because I am the one writing this article.

Our confession of human sinfulness must have consequences for how we approach these situations. We cannot confess on Sunday that we are sinners and then conduct ourselves on Monday as though every disagreement must be someone else’s fault. St. James writes, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). This requires us to listen before preparing our defense and to distinguish what actually happened from what we have assumed. A concern may be legitimate while the way we express it is sinful. Another person may need correction while we also need to repent of our words. Their wrongdoing does not excuse ours.

This is particularly important when a child comes home upset about something at school. Parents should listen carefully and take their children seriously. A child needs to know that his parents will help him when something is wrong. But listening to a child also requires helping him give a truthful and complete account. Proverbs tells us, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17). Before deciding that a teacher has been unfair, we need to hear from the teacher. Before deciding that a student has been dishonest or lazy, we need to understand what happened. A child may have misunderstood an instruction, omitted an important detail, or encountered a genuine injustice. Patient inquiry allows us to respond to the actual situation. Automatically taking a child’s side against his teacher can teach him that an uncomfortable expectation may be escaped by finding an adult who will overturn it. Loving our children includes helping them receive correction when correction is deserved.

Teachers carry an equally serious responsibility. Parents cannot meaningfully partner with the school when necessary information is missing. Expectations should be clear, concerns should be communicated while there is still time to address them, and reasonable questions deserve thoughtful answers. When a teacher has failed to communicate or has handled a situation poorly, the appropriate response is to acknowledge it and make the needed correction. The same applies when colleagues fail to share information or allow frustrations with one another to grow in silence. Authority brings responsibility for those entrusted to our care. A teacher who admits a mistake demonstrates the humility we ask students to practice. As headmaster, I must do the same. I cannot ask families to trust our school while treating every concern as an interruption or every criticism as disloyalty.

Our Lord gives clear direction for addressing sin between Christians: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). For ordinary disagreements in school life, this directs us toward the person involved. A concern about a classroom should ordinarily begin with the teacher who can explain what happened. A concern about something I have done should be brought to me. This requires fortitude. It is often easier to discuss someone with sympathetic friends than to speak honestly with him. But gathering agreement from others does little to restore the relationship. In the Eighth Commandment, we learn that our neighbor’s reputation is also entrusted to our care. We should be careful with it, especially when we are frustrated.

There are times when a concern remains unresolved and the headmaster or another responsible leader needs to become involved. Seeking that help is appropriate, and serious concerns should be brought promptly to those responsible for addressing them. What damages our school is the attempt to use one relationship against another: enlisting the headmaster against a teacher without a fair hearing, encouraging a parent to pressure the headmaster on someone else’s behalf, or giving different accounts to different people until someone supplies the desired answer. These habits divide the adults who are responsible for a child’s formation. When I am asked to help, my responsibility is to hear fairly, establish what happened, and address what needs correction. That may require supporting a teacher’s decision, correcting it, or acknowledging a failure of my own. Our shared commitment must be to truth and the good of the child.

Students also have responsibilities within this partnership. A missing assignment still needs to be addressed even when communication about it was imperfect. A difficult subject still requires effort. Disrespectful speech still needs correction even when a student feels frustrated. We must distinguish a child who needs help from a child who is refusing the work before him, and sometimes both difficulties are present. Parents and teachers serve the child best when they work together to understand what help is needed and what responsibility belongs to the student. When adults spend all their energy arguing with one another, the original duty can disappear from view. The child then learns to manage the disagreement instead of completing the work, telling the truth, or making amends.

These situations give concrete expression to the virtues we teach. Prudence helps us gather the facts and judge wisely. Justice requires us to hear fairly and give each person what is due. Temperance governs the angry email and the careless comment. Fortitude gives us courage to have a difficult conversation and to remain faithful when it would be easier to withdraw. Our students learn these virtues by watching us. If they hear us speak contemptuously about those with whom we disagree, that becomes part of their education. If they see us listen, admit fault, and seek reconciliation, that becomes part of their education as well. Our conduct must be consistent with the formation we claim to desire.

Yet a Christian response to friction requires more than better habits. The Law exposes what we have done and tells us what we owe our neighbor, but it cannot take away our guilt. We need the Gospel. Jesus Christ has borne our pride, our slander, our negligence, and our stubborn refusal to admit wrongdoing. He has taken these sins to the cross and suffered their judgment in our place. He has risen from the dead and gives forgiveness to sinners. St. Paul therefore writes, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). God’s forgiveness in Christ is the foundation of our life together. We are free to confess the truth about ourselves because our righteousness before God rests in our Savior.

This makes repentance concrete. We can name what we did without hiding behind an explanation of what the other person did first. We can ask forgiveness for failing to communicate, speaking unfairly, avoiding our work, or spreading a complaint. And we can speak forgiveness clearly when it is sought. Forgiveness does not make a missing assignment complete, remove every consequence, or instantly rebuild damaged trust. Those responsibilities still need attention. A false statement should be corrected with those who heard it. A neglected duty should be fulfilled. Trust grows as our conduct becomes trustworthy. These actions flow from repentance and faith; they do not purchase the mercy Christ has already won.

Faith Lutheran School will continue to experience friction because the people within it continue to need forgiveness. Our calling is to bring these difficulties under the same Word we teach our children each day. We have been entrusted with a shared work, and that work requires honest communication, patient correction, and the willingness to examine ourselves. I ask our teachers, our parents, and our students to join me in taking these responsibilities seriously. We have a Savior who has reconciled us to His Father through His death and resurrection. His mercy gives us reason to approach one another with humility and hope, confident that even when we have failed, we may confess our sins, receive forgiveness, and return to the work He has given us together.